Lives Well Lived: From Hillel to Hineini

We just recited: “Avinu Malkeinu, enter our names in the Book of Lives Well Lived.” The High Holy Days, both a time of reflection and planning, are meant to inspire feelings of awe, atonement, and anticipation for an auspicious future. In preparation for these days, we were given the gift of Elul, the month prior that empowered us to engage daily in a personal cheshbon hanefesh, a self-check in. 

How many questions must we ask ourselves to truly claim an effective cheshbon hanefesh? For Hillel, one of the most influential proto-rabbinic sages in Jewish history, we need to ask ourselves three questions in order to gauge where we stand in the world. 

First, Hillel asked: “Im ein ani li, mi li? If I am not for myself, who is for me?” 

Today, we begin to celebrate the birthday of the world. Using these days as inspiration for self-improvement, we often trend towards tikkun olam—repairing the world, picking up the broken pieces and finding ways to leave this place better than how we found it. We look to serving others, to giving back, to answering those emails and phones calls in a timely manner, while also maintaining our full attention to the people in front of us. We aim, more often than not, in living a “Life Well Lived” to give more generously of our time, spirit, and selves to others. In doing so, Hillel reminds us with his question that it is easy, at times, to forget ourselves in the process. If we believe that everything and everyone else matters, that they comes first always, then we might negate ourselves in the process, potentially even resenting the good deeds that we imagined would improve our lives in the first place. We must remember that we too matter.

Hillel then asked, “Uk’she’ani l’atzmi, mah ani?” And if I am only for myself, what am I?”

Today, and most specifically tonight, we are coming to the end of the celebration of my actual birthday, my thirty-sixth to be exact. Judaism translates the number 36 as “double-chai,” the ability to be gifted with double the blessings of life. Had I only thought about my own experiences of this day, would I be standing here before you this evening? And if I weren’t here, how much would I have missed out on? When we are too internally focused, it is easy to miss out on the incredible things around us—the community support, the beautiful music shared, the ability to join together in thought and word and deed. I could not stand here as a shlicha tzibbur –a prayer leader—this evening by myself—for without any community, it is impossible to lead. While it is okay to start with ourselves, we can’t end there. We only need to look outward and listen to be included in and inspired by all of shared communal stories. 

Hillel continued to ask with his third question: “V’im lo achshav, eimatai? And if not now, when?” 

Tonight, on Erev Rosh Hashanah (and on my thirty-sixth birthday) we set an intention to be here in this place, be it physically or digitally. We came together at an agreed-upon time to welcome in this new year, to acknowledge each other, to atone, to engage in awe-inspiring action. What a time to celebrate!

Hillel’s three questions are an incredible start to our self-check in as they demand that we look inward, outward, and presently, in order for us to move forward towards “Lives Well Lived.” However, I believe that there’s an even faster way for us to arrive at our answers—by asking ourselves only one question. “Avinu Malkeinu” gifts us with God’s own check in question—the first ever seen in the Torah—when God asks Adam and Eve: “Ayekha? Where are you?”

Ayekha is God’s multidirectional High Holy Day appeal: “Where are you?” can be physical or geographical, it can be mental or psychological or spiritual, it can be a question of progress or planning, or a temporal check in of how far along you’ve come. Adam’s answer to God in this moment—“I was afraid and so I hid”—is not one that we emulate during our own High Holy Day experiences. Instead, we echo our ancestors, who—when called to account by God—answered “Hineini.”

Hineini is another gift of a word—one that Abraham says three times during our Torah reading tomorrow morning, and means either “Here I am” or “I am ready.” It is a word of understanding of the task ahead of us, a willingness to work towards an end goal, an ability to accept what the future has in store for us. With this one word, we can easily answer not only God’s question, but also all three of Hillel’s.

“Ayekha—where are you?” God asks us.
We reply: “Hineini”—Here I am, and I am ready. I am present.

“Im ein ani li, mi li? If I am not for myself who is for me?”
“Hineini”—Here I am. I matter here.

“Uk’she’ani l’atzmi, mah ani?” And if I am only for myself, what am I?”
“Hineini”—I am ready to look beyond myself.

V’im lo achshav eimatai? “And if not now, when?”
“Hineini.” Here I am, ready to choose this moment and to accept it.

This evening, as we move into 5783, we were ready to sign our names to God’s guestbook, b’sefer chayyim tovim, in the “Book of Lives Well Lived.” By checking in with ourselves and with others, we are empowered to answer” “Hineini”—Here I am. I am ready. We are present. After all, on this birthday of the world (and on mine as well), I believe that both God and I would agree: “We need no presents, just your presence.” May we all come just as we are, present and ready to celebrate this world and this new year together.